My purpose is to provide understanding, hope, and direction for anyone who feels stuck in the thick of thin things.
I knew I had to stop the self-destructive cycle but couldn’t figure how to get out of it. I’d hesitate, then hesitate again until I became depressed because I thought there was no hope for me. I’d fight off depression by making my digital life more successful but I knew deep down I needed to make a change. There had to be a way out.
As you read you may find this describes someone you know or perhaps you’re the one in this very circumstance.
I live a life that is drastically different than who I was nine years ago. I was frustrated because I didn’t know my next step in life and found an outlet that helped put my mind at ease… gaming. Some days I’d spend 10–14 hours playing, waking up early to get an edge and to become a more valuable asset to my team.
Over the course of 30 pivotal months, I watched multiple windows of opportunity gradually close because I didn’t break free from the games I was playing. I played to numb the fact that my physical life was sinking and it did an incredible job making everything seem fine.
Video games are created to pull you in, challenge you, and play with your emotions in seemingly infinite ways. Developers carefully craft each game to engage you, fill you with highs and lows and are designed to put your life on pause so you can enjoy some “me time”.
I battled to find a balance between living in reality and in my virtual reality.
When I had to choose between my virtual world or real world responsibilities I would opt for the virtual — Eventually, I believed that if I disengaged from my real responsibilities for a few minutes of “me time” I would have the much needed mental clarity to take on my real world responsibilities.
This “me time” expanded and turned into hours and hours of “me time”. I would reason with myself that as I played I was becoming more relevant and soon realized the more I played, the more I was able to relate to my digital friends. It got to the point that I would stop long enough to see the light of day only to think that real life just wasn’t for me.
I was in a loop, and the loop was this:
This loop led to selfishness, more frustration, and a loss of motivation to connect with others. I eventually felt as though I couldn’t relate with others and they wouldn’t want to relate to me, only my gaming friends who understood my virtual accomplishments.
When you’ve lost motivation and have no vision for who you can become — naturally, you can’t see what else is possible. My vision was dimmed every time I didn’t take courage when a window of opportunity opened up. Eventually, you’ll diminish your desire to change because you’ve become content with the life you’ve created.
I hope this article will help anyone realize how deep someone can dig a hole for themselves, get out, and build the life they never knew was possible for themselves.
I can promise you as you stick to your word your confidence will grow — you’ll stop lying to yourself and begin seeing yourself through a lens of hope.
If you want to get out you’ll need to find your own personal exit points and to have the courage to take them when you see them.
This is a very real war that is raging in the minds of many men, women and now children. There is a real sense of accomplishment that comes from gaming for a few hours, to have our mental receptors tell us it feels good to learn new strategies and achieve something we haven’t before.
What I can tell you about addiction is that it is subtle, for a time, then grows. I see it differently now; I only see it as short term burst of satisfaction and distraction.
There are people who you know that need help getting out of this loop. You can do so much for them if you love them enough to see who they are and who they can become outside of their current state. There isn’t someone who is too far gone. You no longer need a computer, TV, or console to be a gamer. Gaming has taken on many different forms but the symptoms are still the same.
If you are a parent who has a child who is frustrated when you ask them to stop looking at their tablet or gaming device, you can help them greatly as you love them through setting proper boundaries WITH them. Start with love, add in communication, and eventually help them set their own boundaries.
If you’re the one struggling with this and don’t know where to start, begin by reviewing the good in your life and illuminate it. Set small challenges for yourself outside of your virtual world and you’ll find much more satisfaction when you succeed. You have SO MUCH to live for, to look forward to. I hope that you’ll believe me when I say you have a great purpose.
Learn to be in the now and be okay wherever you’re starting from.
Hope is found by starting where you are and building momentum. Since I’ve stopped I’ve earned two college degrees — it may have taken me 234 credits, but I achieved my goal. I’ve ran 6 Spartan races including a 14-mile race in the backcountry of Hawaii and led my family to complete one as well. I’m happily married and have 3 wonderful boys and a little girl on the way. I’m also a manager of over 4 employees and oversee 12 student employees. I’m not trying to brag but life is much better now. Just have the courage to keep a commitment to yourself, and when you fail — try again.
I’d love to hear from anyone reading this, if you have any questions feel free to ask.
I am planning to share this article with my kids, ages 16, 14, 12, 10, seven, and four. It made me wonder what age you were during those three months of closing doors, and when you started to make the change.
There’s a lot to this story but I’ll try to summarize it.
I played a lot of video games growing up which caused me to disconnect from friends and tons of opportunities to live a more fulfilling life. I’ll explain this more in my interview with Better Screen Time.
The 30 months I mentioned above began when I was 26. I didn’t have a career path nor did I feel comfortable talking with a college/life counselor so I stayed in my habit loop while my GPA went from 3.4 to a 0.7 for 2 years. I also had my father’s business that I could have applied myself and taken but I didn’t feel mentally up to it. I went from 5K in debt to 35K- interest doesn’t sleep so it snowballed to 45K. (We just paid this off this month.) These were more like doors of opportunity rather than windows.
I attribute 2 things that helped me break the cycle:
1- A responsibility was placed on my shoulders to help others — and I took it seriously.
2- My wife — she knew she married someone extremely more capable and wouldn’t let that go.
This allowed me to see myself in a new light and I begin working toward permanent rewards.
Thanks for sharing! My 16 year old is heavily into gaming. I try to set boundaries and limit his time but I also know he needs to make the choices. How much should I step in? I also have a 4 year old who would play Mario all day if we let him. So we’ve decided to limit video game time to Saturday’s after chores for an hour. But he asks every day and tries to sneak. Part of me wants to throw out all the gaming consoles but is that overstepping?
Chelsea,
Great questions, thank you for asking! You’ve opened up a novel worth of advice in me. I hope this isn’t too much and if it is I’m sorry.
Let’s start with the easier of the two. Limiting your 4-year-old to 1 hour on Saturday’s after chores is great! We have the same rule in our home with three boys ages 7, 5, and 3. One recommendation would be to remove the console itself from view so the physical reminder is removed. It’s a bit of a pain but I believe you’ll see a real change. You could set a reminder on your phone to remove it Saturday night after he’s gone to bed. You’re not overstepping with a 4-year-old. I know the challenge of young kids at this age, thankfully summer is here so they can play outside more.
Okay, let’s review the 16 y/o.
First off I need to mention that I’m not a licensed counselor but I’ve been in the trenches of addiction and have studied behavior, parental leadership and have thought a lot about my past situation. I know my advice will never be 100% of what you need but I’m going to shoot for 90%… maybe not in this post fully because this is an epidemic and there’s a lot to this.
Let’s start by talking about our goals as parents, or rather, what is our ultimate goal? Our goal is to help our children become fully functioning adults in society. Our job is to set boundaries first, then once they have matured, help them create boundaries for themselves. In short – become self-sufficient.
Your question is “How much should I step in”, there’s a lot you can do with this one. My first step would be to create a definition of what entertainment is. Council with your spouse then talk to your kids. We can do a ton for them (and us) by explaining the definition of what entertainment is, what it does for us, and what it can do to us when it’s left unchecked. As we get the definition right in their minds (especially at a young age) their actions will follow. Unfortunately, as parents, we haven’t been properly trained how to approach a gaming definition, it seems to morph and has so many facets that we end up trying to tame it rather than explain it. Our 16-year-olds have already established a definition of what gaming is and what it does for them and think “my parents just don’t understand”. Our job is to help them see what it’s actually doing.
Pure and simple, gaming is entertainment — to entertain us. It’s a dessert, not the main dish. They can’t see it as such, so we need to dig deeper to root out why each kid plays. Once we understand their “why” we will have a better idea of how to step in, communicate, and come to a new definition.
Here are the three main reasons why I played:
1- To connect with friends. –This is a two-edged sword, I was “socially awkward” growing up and gaming provided a non-verbal social interaction with society. It keeps you there because you’ll never improve your ability to communicate either, yet, they feel like gamers “just get me”. They’ve never tried to put it into words because 99% of their interactions are in their head. If you have an open dialogue with your child you’re way ahead on this one.
2- To feel like they’re fulfilling some goal that’s not happening in reality. –Video games have built-in goals, steps, and checkpoints that help us feel like we are making real improvements, this is especially true for boys who have a built-in desire to protect, provide and preside. Gaming fulfills all three.
As parents, we’ve got to discover and create tailored experiences to help them develop real-world integrity.
3- They want some mental “time out” or “me time” from something that’s pressuring them. — Kids these days have most of their physical needs met but their mental and social pressures are through the roof, I feel for them especially since they can’t adequately express what they feel to others (see WHY #1).
Sometimes the best remedy is to go slow on this one but you are the best judge. Going the second mile with your kids might make the difference.
We get to discover why they disconnect the way they do. It takes patience and courage on our part to understand their “why” and as we take the initiative the steps will appear and our kids will eventually feel empowered to take courage on their own.
Wow, that was a lot Chelsea. As you can tell I’m passionate about this, if you need me to explain something further I’d be happy to.
Thank you for your response. I read it then, and now I’m referring back to it. My son has been struggling even more. I’ve called for a 3 day fast from gaming after things got out of hand last week. He’s completely miserable. All his friendships are built on gaming. I’m very concerned for him because he can’t seem to set and stick to his own boundaries. I’m actually considering an intense wilderness therapy or something like it. He already goes to weekly therapy. I’m not sure what to do. Would you recommend any programs for gaming addiction? Even like the ARP program? Did you do any of them?
It’s not that we are hoping that they will quit, it’s that we are working to help them find joy in the right things, and to find a balance and peace amid a terribly loud interconnected world.
If a child doesn’t have any long term goals, no vision for who he or she can become they will stick to the short term bursts of satisfaction.
Who does your child desire to become? If you can discover the proper way to inspire that within themselves without limiting their agency and you’ll find the right balance.
If he does decide to do a video game fast, offer to do a fast with them and make your of something in equal weight and length that they do. Again, this is about placing entertainment in it’s place and society doesn’t know what that even means.
If you have a minute you could look up Simon Sinek’s “This is why you Don’t Succeed” on Youtube.
I didn’t attend a retreat, I don’t have an opinion on that personally. Sorry but I’d love to talk with you more about this.
My email is [email protected] (don’t forget the p). Would you feel comfortable talking on the phone about this?
I’d love to help.
-Spencer
Wow – I love the questions and the feedback is priceless. Thank you for responding in such depth and using personal experience.